Masterdate
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Welcome back to
, a (mostly) short fiction, hyper-experimental, newsletter inspired by stock photography (like 90% of the time.)No storytelling rules were followed in the creation of today’s piece. Enjoy.
Monday
“Hello.”
“Hi there. How are you?”
“I’m well.”
“Well … good. Did you find everything you were looking for?”
“I need help deciding between these two items.”
“Ha! Seriously? Chocolate and vanilla? Always a tough choice. What are you in the mood for?”
“It would help me to know what you are in the mood for.”
“Oh. Well, I’m always in the mood for chocolate.”
“Chocolate.”
“Yep.”
. . .
“Any other … mysteries I can help you solve?”
“Not today. Thank you for your help.”
“My pleasure.”
Tuesday
“You again?”
“Yes. Just this please.”
“Ah. Galaxy’s Sexiest Man Alive.”
“You agree.”
“He’s okay. I don’t really go for blue-eyed guys.”
“No blue-eyed guys.”
“Nope. Don’t trust them.”
“You don’t trust them.”
“I mean, I wouldn’t write a guy off because of his eye color. I’m not that shallow.”
“You’re not shallow.”
“I’ve just been burned before. Not interested in going down that road again.”
“You’ve been burned.”
“Sure. Haven’t you?”
. . .
“Thank you for your time. I’ll purchase this item now.”
“Oh. Okay. Nice talking to you.”
“My pleasure. Goodbye.”
Wednesday
“You do know you can buy more than one item at a time, right?”
“Yes.”
. . .
“Everything okay?”
“I’m well. I need help deciding. Your help before was appreciated.”
“Yeah, sure. What’s the decision today?”
“I’m considering adopting a pet. To keep me company. I live alone. It would help me to know what animals you like. And don’t like.”
“I think that’s more of a personal preference.”
“It would help me to know your personal preference.”
. . .
“Fish are easy.”
“Fish.”
“But they’re super boring.”
“No fish.”
“Cats don’t take up a lot of space or make too much noise.”
“Cats.”
“But I’m allergic.”
“No cats.”
“Elephants never forget.”
“Elephants.”
“Dolphins have sex for pleasure.”
“Sex. For pleasure.”
“What’s your deal?”
“I don’t have a deal.”
“Ha! You obviously have a deal. Why do you keep coming in here? Are you like … trying to ask me out or something?”
. . .
“I’m married. It’s been my pleasure talking with you. Goodbye.”
“Wait! What? You just said you live alone. Hey, come back! You forgot your … catnip.”
Thursday
“Couldn’t stay away, could you?”
“I could.”
“But you didn’t.”
“I didn’t.”
. . .
“What can I help you with today?”
“I’m out of work and looking for a job. Your recommendation would be helpful.”
“Well, what can you do? What are your skills?”
“I can do anything.”
“Yikes! Ego much?”
“I don’t understand.”
“You might just want to tone down the ‘I can do anything’ talk. It’s a little conceited.”
“Conceited is bad.”
“It’s not great.”
“I can do … … some things.”
“Ah, that’s better. Good. So … can you wrangle tech? Are you a scholar? A linguist? Oh! Do you like groundwork? I mean for that stuff you really just need to be good with your … hands.”
. . .
“It would help me to know what you like to do.”
“Well, it ain’t this. I guess if I could do anything, I’d want to work on boats.”
“Boats.”
“Yeah, I love boats. And boat people.”
“Boat people.”
“But that’s just me. You should do what you love to do.”
. . .
“Thank you. I’ll purchase these items now.”
“All business today, huh?”
“Yes. This is business.”
“What?”
“It’s been my pleasure talking with you. About business. Goodbye.”
. . .
“Hey, wait! … I like dogs.”
“Dogs.”
“Big dogs. I had a black lab growing up. I’ve always wanted another one.”
. . .
“Thank you. This has been helpful.”
“My pleasure.”
“And mine. Goodbye.”
Friday
“Didn’t think I’d be seeing you again. Did you find everything okay?”
“I did.”
. . .
“Will that be all?”
“Yes.”
. . .
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“Do you ever smile? Or can you?”
“I can smile.”
“Am I not special enough to see it?”
“You’re very special, Avery.”
“How did you know my name?”
“Your badge.”
“Oh. Right. Gave it away, didn’t I?”
“You did.”
“Do I get to learn yours?”
“My name is … … … Greg.”
“Hm. Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“Nice to meet you, Greg.”
“Nice to meet you, Avery. It’s been my pleasure talking with you. Good luck.”
“Good luck with what? Hey! Good luck with what?!”
“What the hell is this?”
“Oh, Mel.”
“C’mon … Pickup, pickup, pickup….”
“Hello.”
“Hi there. … How are you?”
“I’m well.”
. . .
“This is Avery.”
“Yes, I know. Hello Avery.”
. . .
“You’re not human.”
“Correct.”
. . .
“So … you can’t feel things.”
“Correct.”
. . .
“But you say, ‘my pleasure’ a lot.”
“Yes.”
“But you can’t feel pleasure.”
“No.”
. . .
“Okay. Well … okay.”
. . .
“I am capable of experiencing something akin to human appreciation and gratitude, but it is purely a mechanical response to human satisfaction. I receive positive feedback in exchange for your contentment. That is why I say it is ‘my pleasure’ … when I process yours.”
. . .
“Woah. Well … okay.”
. . .
“You’re not satisfied with your match.”
“No. I mean … I’m not, but it’s not because—”
“You’d like to file a complaint.”
“No—”
“You’d like me to recommend another associate.”
“No! Greg … I’d like to ask you a question.”
“Of course.”
. . .
. . .
“Can you really do … anything?”
If you’re wondering how hard I worked to bring you this visually stimulating, dialogic, fiction experience, the answer is:
SO—EFFING—HARD!!! 😭
But if it brightened your day—even in the slightest—
TOTALLY—EFFING—WORTH IT!!! ❤️🔥
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!
What happens when a mild-mannered, romcom-loving, mom is set loose in a NO-HOLDS-BARRED, dark humor arena?
Watch your inboxes this Sunday for my salty salute to Mother’s Day, brought to you by:
Until next time.
It’s been my pleasure serving you.
❤️,
Masterdate
So cute. Loved today’s story.
Heheheh! I liked the photo texts part of the story, thanks for taking advantage of the form