“Is it okay for girls to make moves on guys?” I figured if anyone would give me an honest answer, it was Elena. And her brother Marco wasn’t shy about handing out advice either. From the male perspective.
“YES,” they said in unison.
“Is Tom still holding out on you?” Elena asked.
“Never mind,” I said. “I feel bad talking about him like this.”
“Have you talked to Tom about it?” Marco asked, peering at me in the rear-view mirror. Marco was ridiculously good looking. All Elena’s brothers were. It was distracting.
“No.”
Elena twisted herself in the front seat so she could look back at me. “Tom is way into you,” she said. “He’s just heart first, remember? Which means he’s not always thinking with his handle.”
Marco cleared his throat and shot Elena a concerned big brother look.
“He just needs a nudge,” she said. “You’re allowed to nudge him.”
“How do I do that without looking like I’m not happy with how things are?”
“You tell him like a sandwich,” Marco said.
“What?”
“Like a sandwich,” he said again, clarifying nothing.
“Elena?” I felt stupid for asking them in the first place. Now that they were doing that cryptic, ‘don’t you know all the codes for love and sex talk like the rest of us do?’ thing.
“He means you tell Tom what you want, but first you tell him something that you really, really love about him. And then after you tell him what you want, you tell him something else that you really, really love about him. So, I love this—I want that—I love this, too.” She gestures with her hands like she’s building a sandwich, I guess. “And then if you’re saying all this in person, you could stick your tongue in his mouth for good measure.”
“Hey! I don’t want to hear that stuff from my sister,” Marco scolded.
“I think I got it,” I said.
“You definitely got it.” Marco smiled. “What does Tom think of your Zumba bod, anyway? Did I do good work this summer?”
“You did. He says I look strong.”
“God, I love that,” he said. “Keep him.”
I wanted to keep Tom. He told me once the reason he liked books was because they made him feel things. Then he told me that spending time with me was like reading a book. One that hadn’t been finished yet. One that he couldn’t put down because he wanted to know what happened next.
I started putting my sandwich ingredients together in my head as Marco pulled up in front of Aunt Carla’s house. That’s when I saw the car.
“Oh my God.”
“What’s up?” Elena said.
“That’s my dad’s car.”
Elena knew everything about my dad. It only took three sleepovers for us to spill all our secrets.
“Do you want me to come in with you?” she asked.
“No thanks. I got it.”
“Okay. Text me later so I know everything’s okay.”
“I will,” I said. I climbed out of the car and shut the door.
“And please let us know how Tom takes his sandwich,” Marco called through the window.
I laughed. “Yeah. Sure thing, Marco.”
“Bye.” Elena blew me a kiss and Marco backed out of the driveway, honking the horn playfully as they drove away.
I was glad I’d just finished a Zumba class. I always felt really powerful afterward. Like I could take things on.
I hadn’t seen my dad in over a year. Since the night I called the ambulance, and we left him behind to move in with Aunt Carla. I’d almost let myself forget about him. But I knew he would show up at some point.
I took a deep breath in front of the door and walked in confidently.
“I’m sorry, Lorelei.” Aunt Carla appeared in the front hall as I slipped off my shoes. “He just showed up. I was going to text you in case you didn’t want to see him.”
“It’s okay. I’m good,” I said.
I walked past her and toward the voices of my father and Alastair in the kitchen.
My head felt fuzzy. Like deja vu fuzzy. They were laughing. Alastair was happy. And Dad sounded… strong.
He stood up when I walked in. The chair made a loud screeching sound along the tile floor which triggered the awkward silence that followed. Alastair was beaming. And Dad was crying. It started when I looked at him from the doorway. His eyes welled up fast and then he was sobbing.
Aunt Carla was behind me. She must have signaled to Alastair, because he nodded and got up from the table, leaving me alone with my dad. In silence. Silence except for his sobs.
I didn’t sit down. I didn’t say anything. I just looked at him until he was ready to say what he came to say. I could tell he’d already forgotten what that was.
“You look so much like her,” he said.
I swallowed hard and cleared my throat.
“And you’re so grown up.”
“Yeah. That’s what happens,” I said. My voice was scratchy. I was determined not to cry.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Lolo, I’m so, so sorry. I messed up. I know you can’t forgive me, and maybe you shouldn’t. But I just wanted to come and tell you that I’m doing better—so much better—and I miss you and your brother so much. I had to look at you. I hope you can at least forgive me for that. When you’re ready.”
“I’m not ready to go home with you,” I said firmly.
“I know. I know that.”
“I’m not sure I ever will be.”
He nodded.
“I have people here that need me. That I need. I feel safe here. I didn’t feel safe with you, Dad. You know that, right?”
His face tightened as he fought off another round of sobs.
“I know.”
“You look different, though,” I said. “Better. How much better are you?”
He wiped his nose on his sleeve and sat back down at the table. I took the seat at the far end facing him.
“I’m clean,” he said. “I have been for eleven months. I’m working. I feel better. I have a new place. If you ever come to visit, it will be new. You won’t have to remember…”
Our old apartment. The last place my mom was with us. That he ruined for us by filling it with scary people and bad memories after she died.
“Lolo,” he said, “losing you mother… it was like… half dying. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I didn’t know how to survive. Maybe someday, when you fall in love, you’ll understand—”
“I am in love.” The admission startled me, but no part of me wanted to take it back. “And I understand what it feels like when someone leaves you and you don’t know how you’re supposed to live without them. But you go to the people whose job it is to take care of you. Your family. That was supposed to be you, Dad. But you weren’t there. So, I made a new family. That’s what I had to do to survive.”
He wrung his hands. “You’re braver than me. You’re like her. I’m glad for that. And I’m glad that you found someone to take care of you. What’s his name?”
I hesitated. But there was no reason not to tell him. And I wanted to admit it again. Out loud. “Tom.”
He smiled, and for some reason I smiled, too. We smiled at each other, and it didn’t make me angry.
“When do I get to meet him?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe next month. When you make it to twelve months clean. You can come here again, for dinner or something, and I’ll invite him.”
His eyes welled up again and when mine did too, I just let them.
“I’m going to go take a shower, I think.” I wiped my eyes and breathed back into the present. “I just did a Zumba class.”
“I can tell you’ve been working out. You look strong,” he said.
“I am strong.”
“I know,” he said proudly.
He stood up with me. He wanted to hug me, but I wasn’t ready. I said goodbye and left him in the kitchen. A few minutes later he drove away, and I finally exhaled.
I showered and got dressed in a daze. My mind busy imagining Tom’s first conversation with my dad… sandwich toppings… and baseball.
I’d promised to text Elena, but I really wanted to talk to Tom.
“Hi,” he said after one ring.
“Hi Tommy.” I glowed. His voice always made me smile no matter how I was feeling before I heard it.
“I was just thinking about you,” he said.
“Me too.”
“I thought so, since you called.” His voice was warm and happy. “Are we still going to the movies tonight? I detailed my car today, so it’s all swanky inside for you.”
“We can still go… if you want.”
“We don’t have to. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. I just… I just want to spend time with you. And talk about things.”
“That sounds scary. Should I be scared?”
“No! I didn’t mean it to sound scary. I mean, it is scary. But good scary.” Why was I making it more scary?
“Okay, now I’m really scared,” he said. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. Hey, I saw my dad today.” I hoped the subject change would quell the unintended panic I’d caused for him.
“Oh, wow. How did that go?”
“It wasn’t awful. He wants to meet you.” I smiled to myself. I already knew Tom would be great with my dad. He was really good with adults. Maybe because he practically was one.
“That’s a big deal,” he said.
“You’re a big deal.”
He laughed. I missed him.
“Can you come get me now?” I asked.
“Yes, I can. Is this about the scary thing you need to talk to me about?”
“Yes. And it’s not scary,” I said unconvincingly.
“You’re killing me. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“I’ll be ready,” I said.
I waited for him on the front steps. The sun was halfway to setting and it tinged everything around me orange. I sent Elena a reassuring text about my dad. She sent back a thumbs up and a kiss face followed by a dozen sandwich emojis.
Tom always got out of his car when he picked me up. He was old fashioned that way. He smiled all the way up the walk and extended his hands to me. I stood up, keeping my feet on the first step so when he hugged me hello, we were almost the same height.
He smelled really good. Like Dove soap and libraries.
He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek out of respect for my aunt who was probably peeking at us out the window. Tom’s public kisses were always very appropriate. He saved his passion fueled, fantasy level kisses for when we were alone.
I was very eager to be alone with Tom that night.
He was old school, shy around girls, quiet on the drive to the movie theater. We were early for the movie, so when we got there, Tom parked at the far end of the lot, facing the sunset. He turned off the engine and held my hand. He ran his thumb over my palm for a while before he brought my fingers to his lips and kissed them.
“You know you can touch me, right?” I blurted out.
“Umm…”
“I mean, more than you have been.” Crap! I forgot about the sandwich. “I love kissing you.” I was all over the map. “I really love it. You’re really good at it.”
“Thank you?” I could feel his little worried brain trying to figure out where I was going with this.
“I just think that maybe you’re stopping yourself… from… uh…” Why did Elena and Marco make me think this would be easy to talk about?
“Lorelei?”
“Yeah.”
“Is this about me not trying to steal second?”
I didn’t know it was possible for your entire body to blush.
“Oh my God,” I stammered, “I’m sorry. Never mind. This is so embarrassing. Forget I said anything, okay? Just rewind to the kissing part. Everything is perfect. Shut up.”
He laughed. “Okay, I won’t shut up, because I’m really glad you said something. I was starting to feel like a creep for wanting to talk to you about it, too.” He squeezed my hand and pressed it over his chest as he leaned back into his seat and closed his eyes, maybe to hide his own embarrassment.
“So, you’ve thought about it?” I asked.
“You know I’m a sixteen-year-old boy, right?” He turned his head and looked at me, with a sheepish grin that made him look the part.
I smiled. “Yes, but sometimes I forget because you’re really good at not acting like one.”
“Well, I hate to disappoint,” he said. “But I still think like one. Most of the time.”
“Okay.”
He turned toward me and took both of my hands in his. “I just don’t ever want to do something you’re not comfortable with. I want you to trust me.”
I squeezed his hands to tell him I did.
Tom knew about Sara. About what happened to her. I told him because it was part of who I was, and I wanted him to know me. I hadn’t considered it might be the reason he was being so cautious in our physical relationship. He didn’t need to be.
And honestly, after six months of deep kissing and extended hugging sessions, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was dying.
“I know,” I said. “But… you do want to, right?”
His eyes widened. “Sixteen. Boy. Yes! Oh my God, Lorelei.”
I laughed. “Okay. Thanks for clearing that up.”
He swooped in fast and kissed me. Slow. His fingers trailed down the sides of my neck and over the front of my shoulders. He dragged his thumbs over my collar bones, sending a swarm of butterflies across my heart. I shuddered contently. Tom made a little noise in his throat. I don’t think he meant for it to escape, because he laughed and pulled his lips away. He rested his forehead against mine and moved his hands to my upper arms and squeezed them gently.
“I don’t want to go the movies tonight,” he said.
“Because I embarrassed you?”
“No. Because I want to drive you somewhere. Somewhere far. Like the beach. I want to drive you to the beach. I’m a really good driver.”
“I know you are.” I smiled deliriously. This was fluttery Tom talking. When he got excited, he would start talking in short sentences. It was one of the ways I could tell that he was… interested.
“You know what else I’m good at?” he asked.
“What?”
“Parking.”
“Uh huh.” I laughed.
“And hey. I want to show you something tonight?”
“Um… okay. I wasn’t suggesting we take things that far.”
“No.” He giggled. “Not that.”
“Okay, what?”
“I want to show you how I really eat a Resees peanut butter cup. When no one else is watching.”
“What?!”
“It’s humiliating. And I promise, you will never feel embarrassed around me ever again.”
“Wow. Okay then.”
“Lorelei?”
“Mm hm?”
“You make me feel things.”
My heart ached happily. I knew what it was. It was Tom’s ‘shy around girls’ way of confessing his love for me. And it was perfect. He was perfect.
“You make me feel things, too,” I said.
He sighed heavily and kissed me again. This time it was quick and soft.
A placeholder. A bookmark. A ‘to be continued’ kiss.
Tom drove like a maniac that night. And I know what you’re thinking. We parked, and the whole thing went down like a raunchy, teen, slap stick comedy. But it didn’t.
We talked, and we laughed, and we held hands, and we kissed.
And yeah. He stole second.
But he did it his way. Heart first.
Tom had always been heart first.
“He smelled really good. Like Dove soap and libraries.” ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Teen romance ftw. I wrote scenes like this in my mid 20s, before I got married. Reading this makes me want to revisit that territory.