Awkward AF
acronymous fiction
Heads up: This ride contains blatant profanity, drug references, juvenile humor, and excessive use of acronyms*. Those with respect for legitimate storytelling may wish to disembark.
*Translation will be provided (and revenge exacted)
FFS. We’ve been stuck up here for twenty minutes. WTF is this guy’s problem?
IDK. FWIW, you look really hot today.
TY, man.
NP. BTW, you have something in your teeth.
Aw, YGBFKM. Seriously?
Y.
Was it there when I was flirting with the cotton candy girl?
Um…
NVM. Don’t tell me. GD it.
It’s no BD. YOLO.
Y. IG.
IMO, you dodged a bullet.
What does that mean?
NVM.
No really. What’s wrong with her?
I shouldn’t say anything. It’s NSFW.
We’re not at work.
Exactly.
Hang on. Are we at work right now?
IYKYK.
WTH are you talking about?
ROFL.
FFS, man, you’re not making any sense!
IG.
What?
TMI.
What is?
IDK.
Listen man, I’ll BRB. I feel weird.
It’s the LSD.
The what?
ICYMI, we’re high AF right now.
SMH.
FWIW, you look really hot today.
TY, man—No wait—Didn’t you say that already?
IDK. IG.
FFS.
Exactly.
Wait. What about the cotton candy girl?
That was me.
Oh… F.
Y.
Sorry, if I uh… you know.
NP.
Uh… FWIW, you looked really… hot today, too?
IK.
Are we cool?
Y.
OK. TY. IG.
NP.
TTYL, then?
Y. TTYL.
I first became fascinated/annoyed by excessive acronym use ten years ago when I had a kid. I was navigating the online Mommy forums in search of communal wisdom during a tremendously vulnerable time. Instead, I was met with more LOs and DHs and BFs and MILs and BLWs than my sleep deprived brain could translate, and I bailed out immediately and indefinitely from online chats.
Yeah, I could’ve spent time searching for each acronym, slowly piecing together complete sentences while the thread veered off in another direction, leaving my questions unanswered and my hopes of ever being “hip to the lingo” dashed.
It’s been ten years, guys. And I’m still not hip to the lingo. But I am trying.
A while back, I put a call out for readers to submit their favorite (or least favorite) acronyms. My intention was to craft a story using as many of them as possible, as a form of exposure therapy. Taking the thing that annoyed me and turning it into something I could bend to my will. By doing this, the acronym would no longer have power over me.
The result of this experiment is the tragic BS you just stumbled through.
Or maybe you didn’t stumble. Maybe you didn’t have to pause over a single acronym as you cruised through the story of these two bozos coming down off hallucinogens together. Maybe it read for you as easily as the translation I’m about to offer, for those of you who did stumble.
And here it is. Once more from the top. In its fully spelled out glory.
For fuck’s sake. We’ve been stuck up here for twenty minutes. What the fuck is this guy’s problem?
I don’t know. For what it’s worth, you look really hot today.
Thank you, man.
No problem. By the way, you have something in your teeth.
Aw, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously?
Yeah.
Was it there when I was flirting with the cotton candy girl?
Um…
Never mind. Don’t tell me. God damn it.
It’s no big deal. You only live once.
Yeah. I guess.
In my opinion, you dodged a bullet.
What does that mean?
Never mind.
No really. What’s wrong with her?
I shouldn’t say anything. It’s not safe for work.
We’re not at work.
Exactly.
Hang on. Are we at work right now?
If you know you know.
What the hell are you talking about?
Rolling on the floor laughing.
For fuck’s sake, man, you’re not making any sense!
I guess.
What?
Too much information.
What is?
I don’t know.
Listen man, I’ll be right back. I feel weird.
It’s the lysergic acid diethylamide.
The what?
In case you missed it, we’re high as fuck right now.
Shaking my head.
For what it’s worth, you look really hot today.
Thank you, man—No wait—Didn’t you say that already?
I don’t know. I guess.
For fuck’s sake.
Exactly.
Wait. What about the cotton candy girl?
That was me.
Oh… Fuck.
Yeah.
Sorry, if I uh… you know.
No problem.
Uh… For what it’s worth, you looked really… hot today, too?
I know.
Are we cool?
Yeah.
Okay. Thank you. I guess.
No problem.
Talk to you later, then?
Yeah. Talk to you later.
Sorry, guys. The therapy’s not working. I need to break them. The acronyms must suffer the same humiliation I suffer when I can’t engage in chat threads without side-barring the trendiest truncated expressions.
This time I decide what those time-sucking little SOBs mean.
Once more. With a vengeance.
Five finger shuffle. We’ve been stuck up here for twenty minutes. Which traffic flasher is this guy’s problem?
Impervious dick kings. Fresh wankers in Washington, you look really hot today.
Tread yellow, man.
Night prince. But tragically, William, you have something in your teeth.
Aw, your goats better fly kites, man. Seriously?
Yoink.
Was it there when I was flirting with the cotton candy girl?
Um…
No vampires. Don’t tell me. Go drink it.
It’s no badass dragon. Yesterday’s oats live on.
Yams. Industry garbage.
I may orgasm, you dodged a bullet.
What does that mean?
Nervous masturbater.
No really. What’s wrong with her?
I shouldn’t say anything. It’s noxious sludge from Wednesday.
We’re not at work.
Exactly.
Hang on. Are we at work right now?
In your kayak you’re king.
Which top hats are you talking about?
Resting over this fish ladle.
Fly fishing sucks, man, you’re not making any sense!
Ice goblins.
What?
That must itch.
What is?
I dig kale.
Listen man, I’ll blow rancid bananas. I feel weird.
It’s the legitimate space duck.
The what?
If cows yield milk incessantly, we’re high at friendship right now.
Sucking mop handles.
Frog waste is wonderful, you look really hot today.
True yogurt, man—No wait—Didn’t you say that already?
I defecate knowingly. It’s genuine.
Foreshadowing friend silence.
Exactly.
Wait. What about the cotton candy girl?
That was me.
Oh… Freckles.
Yippee.
Sorry, if I uh… you know.
Nut parade.
Uh… from whence it waddles, you looked really… hot today, too?
Install koalas.
Are we cool?
Yutz.
Old kinks. Trust Yoda. I’m gross.
Nice poem.
Toe touch your lover, then?
Yup. Toe touch your lover.
Nailed it.
Legal BS.
As the author of Stock Fiction, I retain rights to the “Awkward AF” franchise. However, I would be willing to negotiate a finder’s fee for any of the following band names inspired by the text:
This was hilarious! I loved the translations, too. 🤣Thanks for the fun start to the weekend.
Haha I loved this, what a great slow build in energy and humor. “In your kayak you’re king” 🤣 one of many brilliant ones there at the end.