Johnson's Big and Small
flash fiction | humor
“Good of you to come on such short notice, Handler.”
“My pleasure, Mr. Johnson. I really appreciate the opportunity.
And please, call me—”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Handler. This is technically an interview for the position. But given everything I’ve heard about your performance at your last job, I have a feeling you’re going to be a great fit here at Johnson’s Big and Small. Did you know we’re the fastest growing menswear company in North America?”
“I did.”
“Attaboy, Handler. Walk with me….
We’re like a family here at Johnson’s Big and Small, and we take our customers’ needs very seriously. A man can buy his pants pretty much anywhere these days. But if he wants the best value for his hard-earned money, he’s going to come here. Because nothing beats the quality craftsmanship of a pair of Johnsons. Once he slides that first pair over his thighs, he’ll know he came in the right place.”
“Excuse me?”
“Let me show you the board room….
Morning, Rod! Rod’s head of marketing, and it looks like we’re catching him in the middle of a focus group. Sorry to bust in on you, Rod. Rod, this is Handler. Handler, Rod. Handler is interviewing for the fitter position, since we lost Lance to that lawsuit.”
“What?”
“As you were, Rod.”
“Why were there so many women in the focus group?”
“Research, Handler. Rod needs to have his fingers in a lot of pies. It’s how he keeps up with the trends of modern fashion. Did you know they’re thinking about bringing back the union suit?”
“You mean the long underwear with the flap in the back?”
“Yes. But our focus groups have found the design far more practical with the flap in the front.”
“Okay … I’m not so sure this job is for me.”
“Oh, it is, Handler. It is.”
“Um … okay.”
“Now, if you’ll just follow me down this long corridor of windowless doors, I’ll show you to the fitting area, where you’ll be getting your mouth dirty in no time.”
“What?!”
“This is where the magic happens, Handler. Allow me to present … the Big and Small showroom.”
“Oh, thank God.”
“Nervous, Handler?”
“No. I just thought it was going to be like … I don’t know … a sex dungeon or something.”
“Haha. On the ground floor? Please.”
“Wait, WHAT?”
“Before you can start working here, Handler, there’s one thing I need you to do for me.”
“What’s that, sir?”
“I need you to try on a pair of Johnsons for yourself.”
“Um….”
“Fitting room two awaits, Handler. Mustn’t keep those Johnsons waiting.”
“Sir, I really appreciate you showing me around your … establishment. But I just have a weird feeling like I don’t want to go into that fitting room.”
“Why not? Because you’re afraid you might enjoy it? Afraid it might harden you to the truth? That the one thing that’s been missing in your life is Johnsons? Big and Small? That your true calling is to help your fellow man find his perfect pair, day in and day out? In and out, Handler. That’s what this job is about. It’s not about pants or pies or sex dungeons….”
“Okay, seriously. Can I just leave?”
“It’s about hard work and commitment. A desire to give back. The call of duty that all men must answer. This could be your call, Handler. To serve your fellow man. To get your mouth dirty.…”
“DUDE!”
“I’m not saying it’s always going to be glamorous, Handler. Sometimes the job is going to suck. Hard. But at the end of the day, you’re going to go home to your wife knowing you made a difference. A big difference. Selling Johnsons.”
“Wow. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but … I’m sold. When can I get started?”
“First thing tomorrow, Handler. Come early and ready to sell.”
“Thank you, Mr. Johnson.”
“Call me Randy.”
“Randy! HA! Of course! Good to meet you … Randy Johnson.”
“Attaboy, Handler.”
“Please … call me Brian.”
Fun story, right up my alley. Wait, what?! Very funny. I’m lucky that I know you well enough to hear your voice while reading it which makes me enjoy it even more.
Meg, I can't wait to see your entry for TGSSC! I think it will be a fantastic contribution. We're in the home stretch now 👍