Hmm, yeah, lots of interesting stuff going on in there. Would I read on? I think maybe I would ... because I want to see how they go about escaping being turned into swans. The moment they become swans, I’m out!
I like where it ended! Me not continuing reading would have nothing to do with not liking the story... I want it to be complete right here and now. Interesting how many of your stories are taking a turn for the speculative. I wonder if anyone in your close nit community of amazing, talented authorly friends has anything to do with that. Most assuredly. Also, because I can't shut up, I'm jealous of the Fictionistas meetup. Lots of folks said they really enjoyed it, and that likely has something to do with the organizer. Your organizationally skills might bring me back.
I like this one as a standalone, too. But I also have five pages of brainstorming to suggest it could be more!!! We'll see. And I wrote this before I met any talented, authorly people on Substack, but if those people want to take credit for my natural born speculative abilities, that's okay by me.
Fictionistas meetup was awesome!! As you were not there, you are, sadly, square. But I hope you'll join us next time.
Would I continue? Probably. Sure! But! I’d be hoping that the boy erased his last line, too. Wrote something like “tricking some rando to let me feel her up” and that he has all the bad things written down because HE LIKES BEING CRUEL! And of course the first half is her being blinded by his charms and not realizing he’s a “stinker, not a keeper.” But that the arc for her is not “finding a good guy that restores my faith in humanity” but “getting to know a complete asshole let’s taught me I’m no saint and maybe you don’t have to be perfect to be worth saving” ha! That’s how I’d write it.
Hey Wil. How many cups of coffee have you had today?
That's not how I would write it. OBVI.
But he DOES erase the last line and instead writes: "The day I hurt Maya." WHAAAAAT????
Also, you prompted me to read my five-page brainstorm on this potential book and I laughed my ass off while reading it. "Love interest is visible. They keep bumping into each other. Learn a little more about each other. Attraction undeniable but DENIED by protagonist who sees no point in engaging with human emotion with only hours left to feel. Love interest in the other camp – thinks they should engage BIG TIME as a celebration of what they can do now that they won’t be able to do tomorrow. Of course – they will be stymied for an excruciatingly long time before they get it on."
And he's not an evil guy. HOWEVER:
"Evil squad member thinks she recognizes him from somewhere (INTERNET) but can’t place him. PT has to pinch him repeatedly for almost revealing he’s a volunteer. Little does PT know that pain is a sexy trigger for love interest. He gets progressively more turned on next to her, until he has to hide behind her – his boner is very apparent. OK. So, he’s got a weird kink. That’s soooo interesting. And distracting for PT. But no time to delve into the origins of that at the moment."
😂😂I'm dying right now. Thank you for making me revisit this. I'll weigh your suggestions alongside my own epically wonderful ideas for this one.
I like that pain trigger, haha. Oddly, I’m working on something similar in my next Walt Darling episode. (Not plot specific, someone tells him if you touch a girl behind the ears, she can’t resist being turned on). I knew a guy, it was hoop earrings. When word got out, all our female friends intentionally wore hoops around him. There’s a disturbing horror story I read somewhere forgot the name, but I think it was a monsters anthology, but someone moves out to the woods and is attacked by a creature that when bites you, gives you overwhelming orgasm and paralyzes you. And then creature eats your family as you lay there with huge boner and pleasure feeling good and horrified. IT WAS WEIRD! And frightening and gross. Good luck.
I agree with Brian in that I think the current ending is perfect. Adding more to the story would feel like too much to me, but I’m a big fan of ambiguous endings with enough hints at a likely outcome.
Thank you, Jason. I like the ending, too. But part of me wants to flip the "likely outcome" on its head and send the reader somewhere unexpected. Room to tinker for sure, but for now, I'm happy it's a tale that creates curiosity and leaves off on a hopeful note.
Finally got to this. Expertly written and superbly paced. I really dug it.
As the opposite of a hopeless romantic, I do struggle with the instant spark concept, but it didn't take me out of the story. That said, I dig Wil's idea that the kid winds up being a psychopath. His flirting with the flight attendant feels like his true characterization, like how you can judge people based on how they treat workers in the grocery store or at restaurants.
Would I keep reading? Yes, because the voice is excellent, but no, because the ending seems neatly tied up. Overall, hard yes, I'd keep reading. But if this was a prologue or first chapter, I'd prefer a bit more of a cliffhanger at the end. Something not just ambiguous, but perhaps threatening. As it reads, I fully expect them to become swans and mate for life. That's a great ending! It just also feels very definitive.
I agree the ending is very tidy and I could easily leave it. But I actually had lots of ideas for how to expand this story, once I allowed for the possibility that the whole consciousness transfer operation might not go smoothly. This is human technology after all. I also muddled around with ideas about the treatment volunteers vs. drafts at the facility. I imagined some brewing discontent among drafts, perhaps building into some kind of rebellion/sabotage/hostile takeover that the protagonist and her influencer cohort have to hero-ize. Also, I imagined the relationship between the swans-to-be as more carnal (end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it) than romantic. In my loosely tossed around version of the ending, they don't end up together. Only one of them gets wings.
Regardless of where my wacky brain went with this one, I would most certainly need to switch up the ending for something more foreboding and cliffhangy for any of it to gel. But it's nice to know that as a stand-alone story, this one worked for you! Yay and woot!
One other thought I had: maybe have some kind of security personnel take one (or both) of their lists from them before they can modify. That's a cliffhanger to end a chapter.
Meg, I do like the story as is, but I think it works well as a prologue, too. The writing is beautiful and flawless as always, and I would without a doubt continue reading. The relationship interests me, and I’d like to figure out what happens next with the characters. But honestly, the overall premise of the story is what would make me come back. I love the setup and I’m super intrigued about the backstory. I can totally see you drafting this into novel form. I hope you give it a whirl and see where it takes you!
For all the ideas I have about how to expand it, I might be-for the first time ever-nervous about embarking on another novel. 😬 But maybe I could shoot for a longer short story or novella this time around. Or a two-part story that turns into a three-part story. 😉So many options!
Your stories sparkle on the page, Meg. Every one I read is better than the one before and I find myself saying, "I want to write like Meg Oolders writes. And I want to write like Jim Cummings writes. ( https://jimcummings5251.substack.com/p/as-marie-might-say-762) I am working on it.
Loved this ending. It works perfectly well as a short. But if it had to be a prologue or a chapter, go with a chapter. I want to see chapter 2 turn our humans into goblins.
This quote in particular resonates; it’s beautifully written: “I feared everyone and everything because it was easier to hide from the world than live in it or try to make it better.” This is the post-Covid syndrome. Everyone’s got an excuse
I loved this one! The story feels complete as is, I don’t think it “needs” to continue. Even so, I’d be very interested in a sequel, if it ever comes. Or have you already published it and I missed it?
No sequel yet! I agree it works as a standalone. Leaves a little mystery at the end about "tomorrow" but that's not a bad thing. When I first wrote it, I had some ideas about how to stretch it into a longer story. I haven't written a sci-fi novel yet, so maybe this could be a start!
Hmm, yeah, lots of interesting stuff going on in there. Would I read on? I think maybe I would ... because I want to see how they go about escaping being turned into swans. The moment they become swans, I’m out!
Those two aren't done making out with each other, Tom. They will need to keep their lips for that. 🤪
I like where it ended! Me not continuing reading would have nothing to do with not liking the story... I want it to be complete right here and now. Interesting how many of your stories are taking a turn for the speculative. I wonder if anyone in your close nit community of amazing, talented authorly friends has anything to do with that. Most assuredly. Also, because I can't shut up, I'm jealous of the Fictionistas meetup. Lots of folks said they really enjoyed it, and that likely has something to do with the organizer. Your organizationally skills might bring me back.
I like this one as a standalone, too. But I also have five pages of brainstorming to suggest it could be more!!! We'll see. And I wrote this before I met any talented, authorly people on Substack, but if those people want to take credit for my natural born speculative abilities, that's okay by me.
Fictionistas meetup was awesome!! As you were not there, you are, sadly, square. But I hope you'll join us next time.
That organizer gets it done!
Would I continue? Probably. Sure! But! I’d be hoping that the boy erased his last line, too. Wrote something like “tricking some rando to let me feel her up” and that he has all the bad things written down because HE LIKES BEING CRUEL! And of course the first half is her being blinded by his charms and not realizing he’s a “stinker, not a keeper.” But that the arc for her is not “finding a good guy that restores my faith in humanity” but “getting to know a complete asshole let’s taught me I’m no saint and maybe you don’t have to be perfect to be worth saving” ha! That’s how I’d write it.
Hey Wil. How many cups of coffee have you had today?
That's not how I would write it. OBVI.
But he DOES erase the last line and instead writes: "The day I hurt Maya." WHAAAAAT????
Also, you prompted me to read my five-page brainstorm on this potential book and I laughed my ass off while reading it. "Love interest is visible. They keep bumping into each other. Learn a little more about each other. Attraction undeniable but DENIED by protagonist who sees no point in engaging with human emotion with only hours left to feel. Love interest in the other camp – thinks they should engage BIG TIME as a celebration of what they can do now that they won’t be able to do tomorrow. Of course – they will be stymied for an excruciatingly long time before they get it on."
And he's not an evil guy. HOWEVER:
"Evil squad member thinks she recognizes him from somewhere (INTERNET) but can’t place him. PT has to pinch him repeatedly for almost revealing he’s a volunteer. Little does PT know that pain is a sexy trigger for love interest. He gets progressively more turned on next to her, until he has to hide behind her – his boner is very apparent. OK. So, he’s got a weird kink. That’s soooo interesting. And distracting for PT. But no time to delve into the origins of that at the moment."
😂😂I'm dying right now. Thank you for making me revisit this. I'll weigh your suggestions alongside my own epically wonderful ideas for this one.
2 cups? About to make my 3rd! Lately, im a fan of espresso poured over half a cup of cold milk.
niiiiice.
I like that pain trigger, haha. Oddly, I’m working on something similar in my next Walt Darling episode. (Not plot specific, someone tells him if you touch a girl behind the ears, she can’t resist being turned on). I knew a guy, it was hoop earrings. When word got out, all our female friends intentionally wore hoops around him. There’s a disturbing horror story I read somewhere forgot the name, but I think it was a monsters anthology, but someone moves out to the woods and is attacked by a creature that when bites you, gives you overwhelming orgasm and paralyzes you. And then creature eats your family as you lay there with huge boner and pleasure feeling good and horrified. IT WAS WEIRD! And frightening and gross. Good luck.
Thank you, Wil. I don't expect that horror story plot to make my dreams any weirder or more terrifying than they already are. 😂
“Not From Around Here” by David Schow, I read it in Creatures: Thirty Years of Monsters
Didn’t want you to think I made it up :)
I agree with Brian in that I think the current ending is perfect. Adding more to the story would feel like too much to me, but I’m a big fan of ambiguous endings with enough hints at a likely outcome.
I agree.
Thank you, Jason. I like the ending, too. But part of me wants to flip the "likely outcome" on its head and send the reader somewhere unexpected. Room to tinker for sure, but for now, I'm happy it's a tale that creates curiosity and leaves off on a hopeful note.
Finally got to this. Expertly written and superbly paced. I really dug it.
As the opposite of a hopeless romantic, I do struggle with the instant spark concept, but it didn't take me out of the story. That said, I dig Wil's idea that the kid winds up being a psychopath. His flirting with the flight attendant feels like his true characterization, like how you can judge people based on how they treat workers in the grocery store or at restaurants.
Would I keep reading? Yes, because the voice is excellent, but no, because the ending seems neatly tied up. Overall, hard yes, I'd keep reading. But if this was a prologue or first chapter, I'd prefer a bit more of a cliffhanger at the end. Something not just ambiguous, but perhaps threatening. As it reads, I fully expect them to become swans and mate for life. That's a great ending! It just also feels very definitive.
Thank you for this, Amran!
I agree the ending is very tidy and I could easily leave it. But I actually had lots of ideas for how to expand this story, once I allowed for the possibility that the whole consciousness transfer operation might not go smoothly. This is human technology after all. I also muddled around with ideas about the treatment volunteers vs. drafts at the facility. I imagined some brewing discontent among drafts, perhaps building into some kind of rebellion/sabotage/hostile takeover that the protagonist and her influencer cohort have to hero-ize. Also, I imagined the relationship between the swans-to-be as more carnal (end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it) than romantic. In my loosely tossed around version of the ending, they don't end up together. Only one of them gets wings.
Regardless of where my wacky brain went with this one, I would most certainly need to switch up the ending for something more foreboding and cliffhangy for any of it to gel. But it's nice to know that as a stand-alone story, this one worked for you! Yay and woot!
Thanks for reading. 💛
One other thought I had: maybe have some kind of security personnel take one (or both) of their lists from them before they can modify. That's a cliffhanger to end a chapter.
Meg, I do like the story as is, but I think it works well as a prologue, too. The writing is beautiful and flawless as always, and I would without a doubt continue reading. The relationship interests me, and I’d like to figure out what happens next with the characters. But honestly, the overall premise of the story is what would make me come back. I love the setup and I’m super intrigued about the backstory. I can totally see you drafting this into novel form. I hope you give it a whirl and see where it takes you!
Stellar story! 🙌
Thank you, Justin!
For all the ideas I have about how to expand it, I might be-for the first time ever-nervous about embarking on another novel. 😬 But maybe I could shoot for a longer short story or novella this time around. Or a two-part story that turns into a three-part story. 😉So many options!
Haha! Yes, write the two-part story that turns into three parts. Those are fun! 🤣
Your stories sparkle on the page, Meg. Every one I read is better than the one before and I find myself saying, "I want to write like Meg Oolders writes. And I want to write like Jim Cummings writes. ( https://jimcummings5251.substack.com/p/as-marie-might-say-762) I am working on it.
Sharron, this comment made my week. Thank you. 💜
I'm bookmarking Jim's story, too.
Loved this ending. It works perfectly well as a short. But if it had to be a prologue or a chapter, go with a chapter. I want to see chapter 2 turn our humans into goblins.
This quote in particular resonates; it’s beautifully written: “I feared everyone and everything because it was easier to hide from the world than live in it or try to make it better.” This is the post-Covid syndrome. Everyone’s got an excuse
A goblin love story.
I'm adding it to the list. 🙂
I loved this one! The story feels complete as is, I don’t think it “needs” to continue. Even so, I’d be very interested in a sequel, if it ever comes. Or have you already published it and I missed it?
No sequel yet! I agree it works as a standalone. Leaves a little mystery at the end about "tomorrow" but that's not a bad thing. When I first wrote it, I had some ideas about how to stretch it into a longer story. I haven't written a sci-fi novel yet, so maybe this could be a start!