If this is outside your comfort zone, then I'd invite you to stay outside of it. I really enjoyed this piece. Thoughtful, engaging, formally consistent. I really loved your use of imagery, taking clever and beautiful advantage of the medium.
My only criticism is that the end should have come slightly sooner. The two beats I didn't love were "what is {HUMANITY}" and "what caused extinction of humanity...hate." In this humble reader's opinion, that sort of thing ties the story up too neatly. There were honest-to-goodness tears in my eyes right up until the humanity question, which triggered a sense of moralizing that took me out of it.
It's a minor critique, though. I really, really enjoyed this.
Thank you! I'd love to use your comment as a template for how to deliver feedback in the most receivable of ways. Nothing about your critique made my psyche implode, and that's saying something. I have a history of thin-skinnedness. So, thanks for presenting your thoughts so... thoughtfully.
I agree with your assessment of the ending. I struggled with where to leave things. And eventually the deadline caught up with me. Until I started on Substack, my writing feet were planted firmly in a contemporary YA space. And there is more of an expectation in that realm to "tie things up" or allow them to come full circle. So, that storytelling habit may be one I need to break, now that I'm writing for grownups. :) Something to work on, for sure.
Thanks for subscribing! And reading! And sharing your feedback with me!
You're very welcome, and please feel free to use my comment however you'd like!
The great thing about Substack is that you are no longer beholden to publishers, or so-called genre expectations. Also, I would argue that YA readers are often just as sophisticated as "adult" readers, and should be treated accordingly.
Then again, I have zero credentials, so my perspective is worth perhaps one single (very small) grain of salt -- maybe the kind that gets stuck in your teeth so you don't notice until it gets dislodged the next day at an inopportune moment.
Oh, I think YA readers are way more sophisticated than adult readers. 😂 And there are plenty of YA authors who buck trends and defy expectations. They are my favorites. I think it comes down to bravery. Not giving a crap. And it probably helps to have a few published books to stand on. I struggle with all three of these things. 🙄 And I'm something of a rule follower. Or was. 😈 (insert maniacal laughter here)
My credentials (and salt grains) are miniscule as well. You're in good company.
Thanks so much for giving it a go, Michael. Hope you'll stick around for a while. I'll stop by Situation Normal (dig that name) and see what you're up to over there. 👍🏼
I’ve got to say, J.E. Petersen’s feedback was fantastic! Really astute and emotionally aware, and I think I’d second his observations. If you decided to do more with this, what I’d want to do is ask you to figure out how to somehow minimize all the format interruptions of those “machine responses”, which I think as a reader you have to work your way around. This could be filmed easier than it could be written. But gosh, this was so damned imaginative and interesting. Really cool.
I wish everything I wrote could be filmed!! I'm literally watching a movie in my head when I'm writing most of the time. Complete with soundtrack and shifting camera angles. If I was technologically inclined, I would consider turning this one, at least, into an audio recording. Because that's what I wanted, every time I got to one of those "machine" breaks. I was like, damn it, where's the "button" that lets you insert spacey, static transmission sound effects? And I wanted the text feed to be animated. So that the back-and-forth communication could be sped up or slowed down depending on what was happening inside the protagonist's... head. It's hard to create tension without dialogue tags. But I daresay not impossible! And I like to mess with stuff like that. Thanks for reading, Tom!
I love sci-fi, and scenes like this are the ‘why’ behind that! Really cool and moving. This reminded me of the wonder I feel when I watch the 2017 Bladerunner (I haven’t seen the original yet) or Raised by Wolves on HBO. I’m sure there are many other possible references, but those are recent ones familiar to me. I love the unfolding symbol of the disco ball.
Thanks so much for reading, Jeannie. I've only seen the original Bladerunner. :) I remember it being very unsettling. But sci-fi has a sneaky way of making me want to embrace the unsettled-ness. It always makes me worry and hope at the same time.
That is such a perfect way to describe the experience and feeling that sci-fi evokes. That’s how I felt with the newer one too. I’ll have to watch the original one now and let you know my thoughts.
Very clever story, Meg. Re: some of the other comments here, I agree you should definitely stay outside your comfort zone. I'd never written anything "sci-fi" related until your Flash Fiction Story Bag prompt and my new launch of "The Thirtieth" on Friday. Sometimes you don't know your strengths until you start exploring.
As for when this story should have ended, the answer is almost always related to tension. Whichever version keeps the tension highest is probably the best version. But even that's subjective.
If this is outside your comfort zone, then I'd invite you to stay outside of it. I really enjoyed this piece. Thoughtful, engaging, formally consistent. I really loved your use of imagery, taking clever and beautiful advantage of the medium.
My only criticism is that the end should have come slightly sooner. The two beats I didn't love were "what is {HUMANITY}" and "what caused extinction of humanity...hate." In this humble reader's opinion, that sort of thing ties the story up too neatly. There were honest-to-goodness tears in my eyes right up until the humanity question, which triggered a sense of moralizing that took me out of it.
It's a minor critique, though. I really, really enjoyed this.
Thank you! I'd love to use your comment as a template for how to deliver feedback in the most receivable of ways. Nothing about your critique made my psyche implode, and that's saying something. I have a history of thin-skinnedness. So, thanks for presenting your thoughts so... thoughtfully.
I agree with your assessment of the ending. I struggled with where to leave things. And eventually the deadline caught up with me. Until I started on Substack, my writing feet were planted firmly in a contemporary YA space. And there is more of an expectation in that realm to "tie things up" or allow them to come full circle. So, that storytelling habit may be one I need to break, now that I'm writing for grownups. :) Something to work on, for sure.
Thanks for subscribing! And reading! And sharing your feedback with me!
You're very welcome, and please feel free to use my comment however you'd like!
The great thing about Substack is that you are no longer beholden to publishers, or so-called genre expectations. Also, I would argue that YA readers are often just as sophisticated as "adult" readers, and should be treated accordingly.
Then again, I have zero credentials, so my perspective is worth perhaps one single (very small) grain of salt -- maybe the kind that gets stuck in your teeth so you don't notice until it gets dislodged the next day at an inopportune moment.
Oh, I think YA readers are way more sophisticated than adult readers. 😂 And there are plenty of YA authors who buck trends and defy expectations. They are my favorites. I think it comes down to bravery. Not giving a crap. And it probably helps to have a few published books to stand on. I struggle with all three of these things. 🙄 And I'm something of a rule follower. Or was. 😈 (insert maniacal laughter here)
My credentials (and salt grains) are miniscule as well. You're in good company.
Hi Meg! I’m new to your newsletter. I enjoyed this story and I’m really intrigued by the concept behind your newsletter. Keep up the great work!
Thanks so much for giving it a go, Michael. Hope you'll stick around for a while. I'll stop by Situation Normal (dig that name) and see what you're up to over there. 👍🏼
I’ve got to say, J.E. Petersen’s feedback was fantastic! Really astute and emotionally aware, and I think I’d second his observations. If you decided to do more with this, what I’d want to do is ask you to figure out how to somehow minimize all the format interruptions of those “machine responses”, which I think as a reader you have to work your way around. This could be filmed easier than it could be written. But gosh, this was so damned imaginative and interesting. Really cool.
I wish everything I wrote could be filmed!! I'm literally watching a movie in my head when I'm writing most of the time. Complete with soundtrack and shifting camera angles. If I was technologically inclined, I would consider turning this one, at least, into an audio recording. Because that's what I wanted, every time I got to one of those "machine" breaks. I was like, damn it, where's the "button" that lets you insert spacey, static transmission sound effects? And I wanted the text feed to be animated. So that the back-and-forth communication could be sped up or slowed down depending on what was happening inside the protagonist's... head. It's hard to create tension without dialogue tags. But I daresay not impossible! And I like to mess with stuff like that. Thanks for reading, Tom!
I love sci-fi, and scenes like this are the ‘why’ behind that! Really cool and moving. This reminded me of the wonder I feel when I watch the 2017 Bladerunner (I haven’t seen the original yet) or Raised by Wolves on HBO. I’m sure there are many other possible references, but those are recent ones familiar to me. I love the unfolding symbol of the disco ball.
Thanks so much for reading, Jeannie. I've only seen the original Bladerunner. :) I remember it being very unsettling. But sci-fi has a sneaky way of making me want to embrace the unsettled-ness. It always makes me worry and hope at the same time.
That is such a perfect way to describe the experience and feeling that sci-fi evokes. That’s how I felt with the newer one too. I’ll have to watch the original one now and let you know my thoughts.
Once again, I am moved by your characters. 🥺❤️ love it. Thank you for sharing your art and keeping me so entertained! 🤖
Thank you and you're welcome, friend. 🥰
Very clever story, Meg. Re: some of the other comments here, I agree you should definitely stay outside your comfort zone. I'd never written anything "sci-fi" related until your Flash Fiction Story Bag prompt and my new launch of "The Thirtieth" on Friday. Sometimes you don't know your strengths until you start exploring.
As for when this story should have ended, the answer is almost always related to tension. Whichever version keeps the tension highest is probably the best version. But even that's subjective.