Snow White: My Version

Throwback--WAY BACK--fiction

Photo by Sarah Penney on Unsplash

Greetings, Reader.

There’s a date on the calendar next week that holds some personal significance in my timeline. In honor of this date, I am presenting you with a challenge. To guess what year I was born, based on the following short story, written by me, when I was nine—going on ten—years old. With the exception of a few spelling and punctuation corrections (and the removal of about fifteen hundred exclamation points), this story has not been altered.

I was in fourth grade when I wrote it.

There are subtle clues in this story to help you. And I may throw in a final clue at the end to help narrow the field for you.

If you’re feeling brave—and I truly hope you are—I invite you to guess my birth year in the comments. Don’t feel like you need to say how old I am. We can all do the math, thank you.

I will be offering a prize to the first person to guess correctly.

Bragging rights.

I must ask anyone who shares my DNA, went to high school with me, married me, or would otherwise be privy to my carbon date, to kindly recuse yourself and leave this to the lesser clued-in readers to uncover.

Without further ado, I give you…

Snow White: My Version

Once upon a time, in the year 1889, there lived a king and queen. They lived in wealth and happiness, until one day they had a beautiful, bratty, and spoiled baby girl. They called her Snow White, which means spoiled-brat-who-thinks-she’s-the-greatest-because-she’s-so-spoiled.

Her first gifts were given to her when she was two seconds old. They brought her a TV, a VCR, and a stereo with twenty speakers.

Thirteen years later, Snow White’s mother got a sickness called Hipocarnius Flarnius. The king gave her aspirin, Tylenol, Bayer, Excedrin, Alka Seltzer and Advil, but none of them worked.

The queen had two seconds to live.

Her last words were, “SHUT UP, YOU STUPID CAT!”

BANG! BOOM! CRASH!

Then she died.

The king cried and cried, “Waaaaaaa!” But of course, Snow White didn’t care. She was too spoiled. She just ran upstairs to do her hair.

She was pretty, but pretty snotty when it came to people who weren’t spoiled like her. Her only true friend was the cat that her mother had half killed. He wasn’t really spoiled but spoiled enough for a cat.

Snow White spent most of her time with her hair, which was now down to her feet because she was too spoiled to cut it herself. She even had people polish the soles of her shoes every five steps she took.

A few months later, Snow White’s father started going out with this snobby lady.

The next week she had a new mother!

Boy did Snow White hate her. She always made faces when she cooked. It smelled disgusting and she would put it on her father’s plate when he wasn’t looking. That’s probably why he had a stomachache every night.

Snow White always wondered what her stepmother’s room looked like. So, one night, while her father was vomiting in the bathroom, she followed her stepmother to her room.

Image generated by Dall-E 2

There was a gigantic boom box with five hundred speakers (a hundred times as many as her stereo), and a giant mirror in the center.

Snow White listened with her ear to the door.

She heard the faintest little, “Mirror, mirror, so very tall, who is the coolest of them all?”

And the mirror replied, “I must say, my beautiful queen, that you are the coolest that I have seen.”

Of course, Snow White wasn’t in a good mood that day.

Snow White followed her stepmother again. And again. And again. Until one day her stepmother found out Snow White had been spying on her. She was so furious, she turned as red as a freshly picked radish.

She hated Snow White as much as Snow White hated her. She was so mad she felt like killing someone.

She decided on Snow White.

She sent this guy from New York (a really weird guy) to go to the woods and kill Snow White. He was drunk at the time and killed himself.

Snow White ran and ran until she almost collapsed on an old porcupine.

She finally came to a giant house made of solid gold. It wasn’t anything like what she had dreamed for, but it was good enough.

She walked in, stepping on her hair, and saw that no one was home so…

She invited a few friends over (about six thousand), made some long-distance phone calls, and tried on some clothes (which were all too small). By the time everyone had left, Snow White had fallen asleep in a pile of popcorn and soda.

Photo by Brigitta Schneiter on Unsplash

A few minutes later, she woke up to the sound of men singing.

“We built this city. We built this city on Rock and Roll.”

Snow White knew the men must have lived there, so she ran five million miles an hour and cleaned up the house. The men reached the house just as Snow White had fallen asleep.

The men quietly stepped in… I mean RAN IN. They RAN IN, knocking everything down. And of course, they woke up Snow White.

“How are you?” said the little men.

“Totally…” said Snow White, who was half asleep. “Totally awesome, dudes!”

The men didn’t understand a word that she was saying, so they just asked her if she wanted to stay.

She said she would if she could have room service, a maid, a butler, and someone to polish her shoes every five steps she took.

The men agreed, wondering why she needed all that.

The men left her every morning, and every morning they told her not to let anyone in unless they were a good friend. But one morning, while her servants were asleep, an old man knocked at the door. He was selling hair combs. Snow White ran to the door, tripping over her hair, and let the man in.

“Would you like to buy a comb?” asked the old man.

“OH YES!” cried Snow White. “I would!”

“Shall I comb your hair for you?”

“YES PLEASE!” said Snow White.

So, the man picked out a beautiful comb and started combing her hair. By the third stroke, Snow White was on the ground, unconscious.

The man laughed and ran out the door. He was laughing so hard he ran into a tree.

When the men got back and saw Snow White, they ran to her and yanked out the comb.

“OUCH!” yelled Snow White.

“Oh, Snow White, you’re alive!”

“Duh!”

“Who put that comb in your hair?”

“An old man,” said Snow White.

“That was the queen, you idiot!” they said.

“But she’s not a man,” she said, a little confused.

“It was a disguise.”

“Oh!”

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The next day the men left Snow White with the same rule.

And the same thing happened.

A little old lady was selling apples. She fell down in the grass and Snow White ran to help her. (Even though she didn’t care. It’s a story. You gotta act a little.) She helped her up and the lady went on selling her wares.

Snow White noticed an apple the lady had left behind. She picked it up and took a bite. She fell to the ground, breathless.

When the men came back, one of them accidentally stepped on Snow White. The apple came flying out of her mouth. It flew to a palace where a royal prince lived, and it hit him on the head.

The next morning, he set out to find the apple thrower. When he saw Snow White, he fell in love with her.

When the queen found out they were getting married, she threw a stone at the mirror, took a piece of glass, and shoved it in her stomach.

But Snow White and the prince lived Happily Ever After.

And Snow White finally cut her hair!

I hope you caught all the clues. Granted, they were subtle and there is some wiggle room. But given what you’ve read, what you may have deduced from my artistically altered profile picture,

what you might gather from this other photo taken during my 1940s film career,

and the final image I’m about to share with you, I think you’re in a position to take a stab in the comments. I won’t be offended if you age me younger. 🐤

Here’s your last clue. Because I think I was ahead of my time on the writing stuff. That story only sort of sucked— if I wrote it, like, yesterday. 😜

This is a picture of my eighth-grade class. I will give bonus points to anyone who can spot 14-year-old “me” in this tragically plaid Where’s Waldo poster. 🔍

Bonus hint: My first two crushes are in this picture. I fell for them to the tune of Boys II Men’s Motownphilly and End of the Road respectively. 🥰

Thanks for playing along. I really hope someone wins. But I’m willing to give the grand prize (and it’s so very grand) to whoever comes the closest*. Good luck!

*Remember… year I was born, not my age. I still have three days left, damn it. 😭